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Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Ashes


I loved and I lost, oh how I cried when my heart broke....

In those few words lie my whole story, the story of how I loved, smiled, and eventually lost. I sit here tossing a quarter up and down, trying to make up my mind about how to tell you this story. Flip, toss, truth ? Flip, toss, lie ? , flip, toss, truth...

I've decided to tell truth and there is no going back, though it hurts to remember, sharing eases the pain. It makes it a little bearable, I can close my eyes at night now, no more lying awake at night because everything reminds me of her. The sheets smell of her, I smell of her, my whole world was her. I'm going off topic again I know but if you will bear with me a while longer, I promise to tell you the saddest story you have heard in a while...

You have heard and seen it all before, on the TV, on the radio, in books and from people you know.
They all tell you how you will know it when you meet the right one ,how it's like nothing you've ever felt before, how you suddenly feel complete. I didn't feel any of those things. At least not at the beginning and when I finally realized I was in love, she was gone....

I did not fall in love at first sight, though she did that night. I could feel it in the way she didn't want to let go,  the way she kept us talking so I wouldn't leave. I should have known, I should have seen it for what it was , but my naivete was beyond measure so to me, she was just another conquest. Another one falling for my charm and that innocent face I show them all, the one that makes them just want to hold me and protect me. Looking back now, all those games were not necessary, I could done anything and she would have love me anyway but I tried to play the game of hearts and I lost terribly...

I've decided to tell the truth so I would be lying to you if I said I didn't feel anything for her, no that would be a lie and I promised not lie to you, I trust you, after all there's honor among thieves. I did feel something, only  it was not love but victory. When she let me into her heart and where no man had been before, I was ecstatic. I had finally won, the patience had paid off and it was time to start looking for an out. So the fights started, the lies, the other women, her tears , oh her tears. I can still hear her sobs, the look in her eyes, her lips beginning to form the words "please" as I walk away, I can't forget that day no matter how hard I try, my conscience won't let me....

A little bit of it rubs off you trust me, while I was making her fall in love, I was falling in love too. When I finally realized it she was gone. See, she has moved on now, she wants nothing to do with me now, she has a new man in her life . I feel everything she ever felt multiplied two fold, I want in now but sadly that door is closed. A little bit of me rubbed off her too, the last time we spoke she promised  not to ever love again. Every man she dates will just be an object to her now, to be used and forgotten  like I used I used and forgot her....

My conscience will not let me forget I ruined another human being...
I know there is a special place in hell for people like me.


                                                                                                                                            FBNDP 


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